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Wonder
(by Rachel Williams)

Do you wonder what I look like
If I'm thin or tall or fat
If my hair falls past my shoulders
Or I hide it 'neath a hat

Do you wonder if I smile
If I'm happy or if I'm sad
If I think about the things you did
If I admit I have a dad

Do you wonder if I have a boyfriend
If I love him very much
If we kiss and hug and hold hands
If I'm scared to let him touch

Do you wonder if I wonder
About what your life's like there
If I wonder if you love me
And if you really care

Do you wonder if I remember
The way you made me hurt
The things you did to mom and me
That made us feel like dirt

Do you wonder if I have nightmares
About you coming to my room
If I can still hear my mom crying
While you led her to her doom

Do you wonder if I dream at night
Or if I'm afraid to fall asleep
If my dreams are full of terrors
Gifts from you I'll always keep

Do you wonder what I remember
About my life when you were here
Its not sugarplums or candy canes
What I remember most is fear

Do you wonder if I remember
All the pain and fear and fright
The terror and the searing pain
Of that endless lonely night

Do you wonder if I remember
How you destroyed my love and trust
With a stinging belt and broken bones
And each painful tearing thrust

Do you wonder if I still tremble
From the memories burned deep inside
If I'm afraid of the world around me
And would rather run and hide

Do you wonder if I will ever love
A boy or man so true
Or if I fear that all of them
Will treat me just like you

Do you wonder how much you hurt me
If I've recovered from being abused
Or do you enjoy remembering it all
Does it keep yourself amused

Do you wonder if I forgive you
For the things you did to me
Well dont waste your time debating
For that will never be

Do you wonder why I write these words
Guess what, I wonder too
Despite all you did there's still a spark
Of a daughter's love for you



Copyright 1998 Rachel Williams

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